The Nitty-Gritty Journey

I’ve really wrestled with a lot for the past few months.  I’ve had so many doubts about myself, my blog and my business.  And I have been hesitant to share anything about it because I feel like I’m admitting to being a failure if I do.  I used to be so passionate about everything.  What happened?

It was like all of a sudden, the floor gave way beneath me and I felt like I was falling.  I felt so overwhelmed with life: my kids, my house, my business, everything.  As I watched my husband get ready for work, I felt the weight of the day build up on my shoulders.  I felt hopeless and lost.  When I had a breakdown crying twice within a week’s time, I knew it was time to get help.  My doctor agreed that I was dealing with anxiety and depression and prescribed me a medication to help me get through it.  I do not intend this to be a permanent solution, but something to help me get sleep (I was only getting 4 hours a night at the time) and have interest in eating again until I had the ability to work through my thoughts and emotions.

My presence on social media has been sparse lately.  I wanted to focus mainly on resting and recovering for a while.  I was able to plan a two-week vacation with my family in Chicago so I could continue letting myself recover and love on my kids.  It has also given me the wonderful gift to talk through a lot of my thoughts and ideas.  Even though my kids were really sick for the first week, this time has been invaluable for me.  My path is starting to become clear again.  For the first time in a long time, I’m looking forward to what the future has in store for me and am excited to return home again.

When I came across this quote, I loved how it expressed the season I’m in:

I haven’t reached the end of this journey.  I don’t have all the answers.  I do believe that God stopped me dead in my tracks so that I could prepare myself for a change in focus.  It’s been hard for me to open up about this, not only for the fear factor of looking like a failure, but mainly for the reason that I haven’t had words to express the way that I’ve felt.  I’ve given into the misconception that as a blogger I have to look polished and perfect.  But that is far from the truth.  Because it continues this unspoken lie that we have to look like we have it all together.  Yes, as a mother we expect life to look messy and chaotic.  But do we really want to see the nitty-gritty journey when someone loses their passion or their faith?  That’s not inspiring!  That’s not “uplifting”!  But that is where I’m at.  The drudgery of life.  Struggling with feelings of depression, failure, loss and hopelessness.  I don’t understand why I’m here but I am.

So, if you would like to walk with me on this journey, I would like to offer you the chance to take a peek into my life and my thoughts.  I do not wish to flood my public Facebook profile with this raw, exposed self . . . so I will be sharing daily updates on my blog’s Facebook and Instagram pages.  You can find the links to those pages on the right.  I will also be sharing more in depth updates weekly here on my blog’s website along with a weekly health corner.  I plan on starting these within the next week or two after I return home from vacation.

For those of you who have stood by me during this time, thank you.  Especially to my husband who has graciously allowed me to take a step back without any good explanation as to why or hint of continuing my work in the future.  Everyone’s words of encouragement and willingness to let me sit without words has meant so much to me.